Right Here, Right Now, In This Moment.....

It all started out as having fun, and thinking it was all about the fun!  I can say at one point it was fun.....going clubbing was the best part of it.  But as years went by I knew it was getting a problem but I kept doing it because thinking I couldn't possibly let it get out of control.  Boy, was I wrong!! One small tiny bottle turned into me binging from a week to two weeks all day everyday, and drinking 2 to 4 fifths a day.  I couldn't just have one bottle a day, but it seemed like 3 or 4 would be an accomplishment to get everyday of my binges.  I don't know how I got the money, but I always managed to have my alcohol.  Not coming home most of the time, sleeping 12 to 15 hours a day, what a way to live!  At one point of my life I drank so much, and took more pills than I should have and slept for a day and a half and even then I woke up still feeling drunk, and I still have my bottles stashed so I didn't have to worry about not having alcohol.  After my binges I would have withdrawls from the alcohol, not something I wish on anyone.  Getting in trouble with the law, and being on probabtion didn't straighten me up one bit.  I kept doing what I want to satisfy my urges.  I knew I was putting my family through a lot, but I didn't care....all I cared about was my urges and getting them met.  I was being very selfish.  At this point of my life, I felt there was no hope for me nor no help for me.  I wanted to give up, and let my temptations and my urges to overtake me so I can do what I wanted to do.  I told myself "nothing can help me, and there is no hope!"  What I didn't know is I was drowning my feelings, my emotions, my problems with alcohol....I was hiding them, but I was hiding behind the bottle.  I always told myself "I don't have a problem!" And if you were on these people that told me I had a problem, then my reaction was anger.....I wasn't ready to admit I had a problem because I wanted to keep drinking, and not let my feelings out.  I always thought "my problems are my problems!"  When I was younger I had dreams, and goals in life....I felt like I had the whole world in my hands but once alcohol played a big role in my life I felt my the world slipping out of my hands, and I couldn't grasp onto it.  Until I started going to counseling, I started to realize more and more.  I gotta give props to all my counselors because they were very patient with me from the beginning and I wouldn't tell them anymore than I was doing alright that day.  Til I started to trust them, I realized I started to tell them more and more.....and feeling emotions I haven't felt in so long.  At that point of my life I admit that I had a problem, and my life became unmanageable.  I couldn't control my urges, nor couldn't control the alcohol.  I couldn't just have one, I know if I just have one it will continue on for days.  I always tell my counselors "I don't trust myself because it wont just be one, it will be days after days so the best thing is not to even bother it."  I know I have been going to groups and counseling for months now I have realized so much and I have learned so much not only about my addiction, but about myself.  My counselors all been so amazing in trying to help me, its good to know that I have made a lot of improvements in myself.  I have like 4 counselors I see for groups, and individuals.  I trust every single one of them, and can tell them what I actually feel that day and just to laugh with them makes life so much simpler.  No matter how many slip ups I had, they never once judged me or brought me down.  They were very understanding but always wanted to help me get back up.  Now at this point of my life, today I am very thankful for the progress I have made, even though its been a couple of months since I pick up a bottle I'm still grateful for the knowledge and the strength I get everyday from my Heavenly Father.  I wouldn't be able to stay sober without him, and the atonement in my life.  As most of you know in 2 weeks I will be going into a residential treatment program, I will be quite honest I am scared because I don't know what it will be like or if I will even like it but all I know its what I want to do!  The first two weeks that I found out that I had a bed date for treatment, I was excited but upset all at the same time.  But I kept praying and praying about it, to this day I feel comfortable and excited to go.  Yes, I don't know what to expect but it will be good!  I thankful Heavenly Father for the unfailing love he gives me everyday, every minute, every second.  I feel like a different person since I have been going to groups/counseling everyday.....I am much happier!  I say 7 months ago I didn't think I would think or feel the way I do TODAY! :) I know I am new at this whole recovery thing, I am trying my best every single day.  I want to be a better person not only for myself but for my nieces and nephews who I love and adore every single day.  They are my heart, and I love spending time with them.  I wake up everyday with Happiness in my heart, and I love everyday to be a better person.  I know God lives, and he has a better plan for my life than I had for myself.  I pray everyday that I don't fall back into my old habits and I pray that I keep going.  I know I can say "Right Here, Right Now, In This Moment I Am Sober....."